Why are you late?

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Farmer's wife

How did the farmer's wife get the chickens in to the pot?
She told them it was a chicken jacuzzi.

Too much weight

How do you let your wife know that she is putting on too much weight?
You give her a certificate with the title "NUTRITIONAL OVERACHIEVER"!

Muscle spasms

How much do you exercise?
If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all!

Snowplow

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
By miracle!

Half the chicken

Why did half the chicken cross the road?
To get to his other side!

No walls

What kind of rooms have no walls?
Mushrooms.