A tall well built woman with good
reputation who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classical misic and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Yo Mama is So
'Enjoy the very good collection of Yo Mama Short Jokes. They gonna make you feel too good.'
Yo Mama So Ugly, When She Walked By To Pick Up Her Newspaper The Newspaper Ran Back Into The Mailbox. submitted by Paige Wilson
Your mama is so freaking stupid that she got hit by a parked car. submitted by - Alyssa
Yo mama is so old, her breast milk is like baby power. submitted by - Skye Clarke
Yo mama so ugly, her reflection committed suicide.
Yo mama so hairy, big foot saw her and run for his life.
Your mama so fat they change the name of internet to world wide yo mama
Your mamas so fat she jumped into the pool with everyone yelling tsunami
Yo mamma so fat her belly-flop actually has effective damage
your mama is so fat when it was raining outside she put on a yellow rain coat and the people walking by said taxi can u give me a ride home please!
Yo mama so fat everybody says "party with the whales!"
Your mamas so fat she sat on lows an lowered the prices!! :D
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and it broke.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and died.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and wondered how that piece of crap got in her bathroom.
Yo mama so skinny she was marked absent for standing sideways.
Yo mama so skinny she can dodge rain.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "Next please."
Yo mama so skinny she gave a new name to anorexia.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "air cannot be weighed."
Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so stupid that when she threw a rock on the ground, she missed.
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama so stupid, she was chained to a water fountain and died of dehydration
Yo mama so stupid, he told this joke.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to see how long she slept.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Yo mama so ugly she went to the haunted house on Halloween and came out with a job application
Yo mama so fat that Christopher Columbus claimed her as "the new world"
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the swimming pool and everyone yelled TSUNAMI!
Yo mama so fat she gotta wear watches on both arms to keep the time zone
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits beside everyone
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest and got kicked out because they said "no professionals"
Yo mama is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and gets laid in the closet!
Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even fit in a chat room.
Yo momma so fat that when she wears a rain coat, she looks like a school bus!
Yo mama is a hose pipe, the gardener turns her on.
Yo mama is like a rugby field, everybody can try.
Yo mama is like a tie, everybody knows how to do her.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped and got stuck.
Yo mama so stupid and fat, when she saw a school bus full of white children, she said, "Stop that Twinkie!!!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it read, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.
Yo mama so fat, when the doorbell rang, she ran straight to the microwave!
Yo mama so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses all of Phoenix, Arizona as her tanning bed.
Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
Yo mama is so dumb, when you left for school on the school bus, she ran after saying "TWINKIE I WANT MY TWINKIE"
Yo mama so big, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so hairy, when you popped out, you got carpet burn.
Yo mama so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales came out and sang "We Are Family."
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on Wal-mart and lowered the prices!
Yo mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and got kicked out!
Now read most lovable Knock Knock Jokes and Best Funny Jokes to enjoy more.
Yo Mama So Ugly, When She Walked By To Pick Up Her Newspaper The Newspaper Ran Back Into The Mailbox. submitted by Paige Wilson
Your mama is so freaking stupid that she got hit by a parked car. submitted by - Alyssa
Yo mama is so old, her breast milk is like baby power. submitted by - Skye Clarke
Yo mama so ugly, her reflection committed suicide.
Yo mama so hairy, big foot saw her and run for his life.
Your mama so fat they change the name of internet to world wide yo mama
Your mamas so fat she jumped into the pool with everyone yelling tsunami
Yo mamma so fat her belly-flop actually has effective damage
your mama is so fat when it was raining outside she put on a yellow rain coat and the people walking by said taxi can u give me a ride home please!
Yo mama so fat everybody says "party with the whales!"
Your mamas so fat she sat on lows an lowered the prices!! :D
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and it broke.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and died.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looked into a mirror and wondered how that piece of crap got in her bathroom.
Yo mama so skinny she was marked absent for standing sideways.
Yo mama so skinny she can dodge rain.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "Next please."
Yo mama so skinny she gave a new name to anorexia.
Yo mama so skinny she stepped on the scale and it said "air cannot be weighed."
Yo mama's so ugly, she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so stupid that when she threw a rock on the ground, she missed.
Yo mama so stupid, she got locked up in a grocery store and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama so stupid, she was chained to a water fountain and died of dehydration
Yo mama so stupid, he told this joke.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a ruler to bed just to see how long she slept.
Yo mama is so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck
Yo mama so ugly she went to the haunted house on Halloween and came out with a job application
Yo mama so fat that Christopher Columbus claimed her as "the new world"
Yo mama so fat she jumped in the swimming pool and everyone yelled TSUNAMI!
Yo mama so fat she gotta wear watches on both arms to keep the time zone
Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies she sits beside everyone
Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo mama so ugly that when she entered the ugly contest and got kicked out because they said "no professionals"
Yo mama is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows, and gets laid in the closet!
Yo mama is so ugly, she turned Medusa into stone.
Yo mama is so fat, she can't even fit in a chat room.
Yo momma so fat that when she wears a rain coat, she looks like a school bus!
Yo mama is a hose pipe, the gardener turns her on.
Yo mama is like a rugby field, everybody can try.
Yo mama is like a tie, everybody knows how to do her.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped and got stuck.
Yo mama so stupid and fat, when she saw a school bus full of white children, she said, "Stop that Twinkie!!!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it read, "One at a time please!"
Yo mama is so stupid, she returned a puzzle because she thought it was broken.
Yo mama so fat, when the doorbell rang, she ran straight to the microwave!
Yo mama so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.
Yo mama is so fat, she uses all of Phoenix, Arizona as her tanning bed.
Yo mama is so dumb, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
Yo mama is so dumb, when you left for school on the school bus, she ran after saying "TWINKIE I WANT MY TWINKIE"
Yo mama so big, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so hairy, when you popped out, you got carpet burn.
Yo mama so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales came out and sang "We Are Family."
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on Wal-mart and lowered the prices!
Yo mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and got kicked out!
Now read most lovable Knock Knock Jokes and Best Funny Jokes to enjoy more.
Why did the chicken cross the road Jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because she was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the band recital.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Dinosaurs are extinct, silly!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road?
A: Tomato monkey.
Q: Why did the ocean cross the shore?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: Because he wasn't chicken.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because she was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the playground cross the road?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the band recital.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Dinosaurs are extinct, silly!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
Q: Why did the abstract surrealist cross the road?
A: Tomato monkey.
Q: Why did the ocean cross the shore?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
A: She wanted to stretch her legs.
Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.
Best Things to be Asked
Q: What's the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!
Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.
Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!
Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"
Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.
Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"
Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.
Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.
Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.
Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"
Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!
Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!
Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!
Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"
Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!
Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!
Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.
Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????
Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."
Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!
Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!
Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
A: One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Q: What kind of coffee were they serving when the Titanic hit an iceberg?
A: Sanka!
Q: What do Saami reindeer herders say to reindeer who complain?
A: "Venison!"
Q: What do you call fifty penguins in the Arctic?
A: Lost! REALLY lost! (Penguins live in Antarctica.)
Q: Why aren't penguins as lucky as Arctic murres?
A: The poor old penguins can't go south for the winter.
Q: What do chefs call "Baked Alaska" in Alaska?
A: "Baked Here"
Q: Getting a job in the Arctic in the winter is great! Why?
A: When the days get short, you only have to work a 30 minute work week.
Q: Why do seals swim in salt water?
A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!
Q: What eight letters can you find in water from the Arctic Ocean?
A: H to O! (H20)
Q: Which side of an Arctic Tern has the most feathers?
A: The outside!
Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers?
A: Leeks!
Q: What did Amaruq say after building an igloo out of crystal clear ice?
A: "Living in a transparent igloo has its disadvantages - but you should see the murres smack it!"
Q: Why didn't the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake - and kept popping out of bed all night!
Q: What happened when all the muskox wool that was collected was stolen?
A: The police combed the area.
Q: If the sun shines while it's snowing, what should you look for?
A: Snowbows.
Q: What did one Greenland Shark say to the other?
A: "Say, good lookin'... didn't I meet you last night at the feeding frenzy?"
Q: What's a sign that you have an irrational fear of icebergs?
A: You start having water-tight compartments installed in your pants.
Q: What did the seal say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "Dam!"
Q: What do women use to stay young looking in the Arctic?
A: Cold cream.
Q: Why was the Saami herder given an umbrella?
A: Because of the rain, dear.
Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
A: I have no eye deer.
Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?
A: "What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!"
Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids!
Q: What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
A: "Where were you on the night of September to March?"
Q: What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?
A: The crack of dawn!
Q: If you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?
A: No privacy!
Q: What did the walrus say when it was late?
A: "I would have been here sooner, but my iceberg hit a ship."
Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!
Q: What did the icy Arctic road say to the truck?
A: "Want to go for a spin?"
Q: What do you use to catch an Arctic hare?
A: A hare net!
Q: What do Arctic hares use to keep their fur lookin' spiffy?
A: Hare spray!
Q: What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A: A receding hare line.
Q: Why are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean?
A: They're both below C level!
Q: What are caribou calves given to wear?
A: Hoof-me-downs.
Q: If it's zero degrees outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A: ?????
Q: What did the Arctic wolf ask in the restaurant?
A: "Are these lemmings fresh off the tundra?"
Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm woolly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on ahead."
Q: What's another name for ice?
A: Skid stuff!
Q: How do you keep from getting cold feet?
A: Don't go around BRRfooted!
Q: Why is the slippery ice like music?
A: If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!
Q: What's an ig?
A: A snow house without a loo!
Q: Where do seals go to see movies?
A: The dive-in!
Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
A: Owlgebra.
Q: What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
A: Nothing. It just waved. (That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)
Q: What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous wreck.
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.
Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...
A Smart Maxican
A smart Mexican, a dumb Mexican, Santa, and the Easter bunny are in a race to the middle of a maze. Who would win?
Answer: The dumb Mexican. The other three don't exists!
Answer: The dumb Mexican. The other three don't exists!
Ultimate Hilarious Jokes
Bring smile on your friends faces by sharing these ultimate hilarious jokes. Write you reactions as well. By doing so, you forget pains and troubles for a time being. So whether you are sad or neutral - These material gonna optimize your hours with unstoppable laughter
A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife rakes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it.
----
Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?
I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!
My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.
You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.
Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.
Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!
We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
What you eat standing up doesn't count.
Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"
When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.
Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"
I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.
A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt
1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.
Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.
Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"
Self control.. please come back to me!
You must continue laughing and enjoying experience with these Hilarious Jokes and funny quotes.
A successful marriage is based on 'Give & Take'
Where husband gives money, gifts, dresses & wife rakes it.
And Wife gives Advices, lecturer, tensions & husband takes it.
----
Innocent boy to a girl at party: Would you like to dance?
Girl smiled and said: Yes.. for sure!
Boy: So can I take this chair?
I don't think I'll ever get the recognition i deserve for being the world's biggest pessimistic narcissist!
My back is not a voice mail. Say it on my face.
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
If your mom can't find it, it's gone forever.
You want everyone to be great and funny. I'm not saying I'm great, but I'm funny.
Why to keep her at home in witness of all relatives. Keep the problems outside.
Me: Can I copy your homework?
Her: Yeah but the answers are probably all wrong.
Me: I don't care, thanks!
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Love at first sight. Well I fall in love with girls at every sight.
The funny thing is, I look at these magazines that make me so insecure and neurotic, but I'm in them!
We all know that one guy who makes excuses for everything and can't own up to shit.
An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
What you eat standing up doesn't count.
Girl to girl: "Awhh, you're really pretty!" "Thank you so much, you are too!" Guy to guy: "You're handsome" "Wtf? Dude are you Gy?"
When your parents call you by your full name, you know shit's gonna happen.
Two astronauts are on the moon. One says to the other "Its nice here isn't it?".
The other replies, "Yes, have you got any crisps ?"
I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.
A german soldier sticks nine jews and an italian soldier into an oven. His commandant demands to know why he put the italian ally in the oven. I was greasing the oven, he replies. -Kurt
1st thief: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.
I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door.
Me: "Mom... Dad.. I decided to live on my own from now on."
Them: "Ok, cool."
Me: "Your luggage is outside."
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
If that childhood friend is with you - Everyone is getting screwed up.
Kid: I got a 100 marks in school today.
Dad: Wow, what did you get a hundred for?
Kid: Two things -- 50 in English and 50 in Maths.
Pregnancy used to be a beautiful thing. Now it's like, "she pregnant too?" "Oh"
Self control.. please come back to me!
You must continue laughing and enjoying experience with these Hilarious Jokes and funny quotes.
Top 100 Funny Jokes
'Gain good health with Top 100 best and most hilarious Funny Jokes while entertaining yourself/others because it's never too late to enjoy the life. The best is day is today and most special person is you.'
Topics: Rare - Smartness - Boss - Blonde - Driver - Relationship - Husband-Wife - Waiter - Marriage - Kids and Teenagers - Funniest - One Liners - Ghost - Overweight - Animals - Thief - Ladies - Satire - Crazy - On Wives
Jokes revealed in year 2015-16, month - March | July | November '15
November '15:
A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!
Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)
July:
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!
A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!
March:
Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.
Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.
Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.
What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.
Don't "k" me, you bast....
Rare:
The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!
The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!
----
Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?
----
Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!
----
Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...
-----
Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)
----
Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...
----
Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!
----
Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.
Smartness:
Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.
-----
Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
-----
Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:
One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!
------
Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'
------
Male in the club Orders a Beer..
Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..
Man-I'm so Happy.
Female-Me too.
Man-Wat A Coincidence.
Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs
Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock.
Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
------
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery
------
They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
------
To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.
Special ego massage, please!
You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!
------
The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!
------
Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.
------
Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.
THIS IS Smartness...!!
------
The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!
*****
Boss:
The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.
I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.
Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?
A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"
Driver:
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.
Relationship:
What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Husband-Wife:
Wife while beating her husband - Neighbor interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."
On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.
Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"
-----
Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.
The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.
The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.
The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"
----
Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!
-----
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.
Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...
Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.
Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.
Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!
---
Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.
---
Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!
---
One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."
---
Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
---
"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
---
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
---
A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Waiter:
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.
How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!
Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.
No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!
It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!
Marriage:
Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!
Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.
Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!
Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!
The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
If my jokes offend you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.
Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
What’s so real about reality TV shows?
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
Kids and Teenagers
Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.
Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?
Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.
I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.
Once, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Funniest:
PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..
submitted by jeffrey
Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Satire
You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!
You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?
Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!
One Liners:
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Overweight:
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
Ghost:
Blonde:
Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.
Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.
Animals:
What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Thief
Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!
Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!
How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.
Ladies
2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)
The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.
I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Crazy:
Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"
Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!
Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?
On Wives:
Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.
Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.
Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!
Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!
why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.
For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.
You can read top 100 short jokes written in this humorous blog to have more and more laughter.
Jokes revealed in year 2015-16, month - March | July | November '15
November '15:
A friend was arguing with me that onion is the only food which gets your tear out.
So I throw a coconut on his face to prove him wrong!
Wife in a mood: I want you to whisper something dirty on me.
Hubby: Your dishes!
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees:)
July:
If girl is with you - Restaurant Bill
If girl is far from you - Mobile bill
If girl is separated from you - Than Bar Bill.
Moral - No Girl - No Bills!
Teacher: What small bee gives you?
Kid: Honey!
Teacher: What small goat gives you?
Kid: Milk!
And what buffalo gives you?
Kid: Home work!
A girl gives a kiss to a baby but left her lipstick spot.
Girl: Oops I am sorry..
Kid: It is ok.. if there are strain while doing something.. strains are good!
March:
Me: Do you have a book for men with small his thing?
Librarian: I don't know if it's in yet.
Me: Yeah that's the one.
Where does a dog search for when it loses his tail?
A retail store.
Curves on women are nice, but curves on final exams are even better.
What are the only kind of trees that grow fingers?
Ummm, Palm trees.
Don't "k" me, you bast....
Rare:
The most annoying moment when you put your status single and your ex likes it!
The past of Eat is ate and the future of ate is weight and the most funny part is that people realize it so too late!
----
Husband on wife's grave.. with a table fan.. crying...
Someone comes and asks - did you love her alot?
Man: Which love? she took a promise that you will re-marry when my graves goes dry - I don't know who stupid put lot of water daily here?
----
Telling lie is Sin for kids, must for bachelors, art for lovers, and the way of living calmly for married couples!
----
Where were you last night? mother shouted!
I was in disc/club, son replied.
Oh my god! I hope you didn't see anything which you should not see.
Son: I seen the thing that I should not see there!
What did you seen>
Dad - he softly uttered...
-----
Early to bed, and early to rise proves that..
..
..
..
...
The person has no internet connection!!!:)
----
Lay to advocate: I want to marry my ex husband again!
Advocate: Why, last month you hot the divorce..
Lady: After divorce, he is very happy and I can not tolerate this at all...
----
Couple got fight!
Wife in anger goes to market, buys poison, eats and after sometime..
She did not die..
Husband: Lot of time, I told you, take care while buying things, money is wasted and work is still incomplete!!
----
Man can be happy in 2 situations: 1st - if unmarried; 2nd - if wife has gone to her mother's home.
Smartness:
Duffer, why do you keep on talking with girls all the time..
Boy: I am very poor, even do not have whatsapp in my cell.
-----
Friend: You have sweet shop, don't you feel like eating?
Him: Yes, I love them, but dad put all sweet counted, so I taste them and put them back..!!
-----
Do you know about 7 important most important Men in a Woman's life? No, then here we go:
One. Mr. Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
Two. Mr. Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
Three. That Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
Four. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
Five. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
Six. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
Sever. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
An Economist beautifully explained two reasons for having two wives:
A - Monopoly should be broken
B- Competition improves the quality of service..
If you have one wife she fights with you, if you have two wives they will fight for you
Feel the difference and decide:
Disclaimer: We are not having such experience and not responsible for any side effects!
------
Adam[man] and Eve[woman] were the first human beings in the world
one fine day eve asked Adam' do you love me'
Adam said 'do i have another choice'
------
Male in the club Orders a Beer..
Female next To Him-
What A Co-incidence, Even I Have Ordered the same..
Man-I'm so Happy.
Female-Me too.
Man-Wat A Coincidence.
Lady-My Husband & I Have Tried 4Yrs For A Baby..
Today I'm Pregnant.
Man-Wat A Co-Incidence.
I Am A Farmer
From 4Yrs My Hens Were Infertile,
Today All Laying Eggs
Lady-Wow How Did That Happen?
Man- I Used A Different Cock.
Lady SMILED, & Said
WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!
------
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work!
Submitted by Alysia Csengery
------
They asked me Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
Well, they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
------
To avoid getting entangles with child-labor laws, I have decided to appoint a child as a CEO.
Special ego massage, please!
You are right.. Minimalism did not make any sense to me until I began to bald!
------
The kidnapers of your son sir! He says you've grossly undervalued your company to fix the random amount!
------
Ask.. whatever you want, but don't ask me to walk my talk.
------
Dad – Dear, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son – no way..
Dad - She is the daughter of world's richest man.
Son – then its done.
Then his dad goes to that richest man..
Dad - I want your daughter to marry my son.
Rich man – nope
Dad: He is the COO of world bank.
Rich man – then its done.
Then Dad again goes to president of bank.
He asked – appoint my son the COO of the world bank.
Him – Never
Dad: – He is the son in law of World's richest man.
Him – then its fine.
THIS IS Smartness...!!
------
The only thing our students want to hear from you, sir, is how to engineer jobs in the current market!
*****
Boss:
The virus means business. It wants us to send online secure payment to leave our system.
I chose a wrong mentor - what about you?
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
Interpretation: It is true when your boss shares something witty, you must laugh otherwise he might feel insulted and your promotion can be stopped. So whether they are funny or not, everyone laughs at them.
Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have
stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good,here are my car
keys, drop my daughter at home.
Explanation: What a smart and proactive boss. He is so doubtful about his employee or daughter that he makes his worker to tried before sending his daughter with him. But anyhow it was a funny experience. Isn't it?
A pregnant lady asked her Sir if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling fine. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "shouldn't, couldn't, Can't, didn't, won't, wouldn't!"
Driver:
Are you afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.
Interpretation: How witty! This joke tells that we all need company to something daring. They are not suggesting how to avoid suicide but giving you idea to be bus driver because there are hundreds more people who can go heaven/hell to accompany you.
Relationship:
 | Interpretation: This joke shows How complicated some relationships are! It doesn't matter how much efforts you put in to improve, there are always some reasons to fight for. It is just like a fat girl who never takes pain to lose weight. |
What did the cannibal do after he dumped the girl?
Wiped his back because she kicks really hard!
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Husband-Wife:
Wife while beating her husband - Neighbor interrupts
Why are you biting this innocent man?
Wife: Please, he is not innocent. I called him and the other girl replied - The person you are calling is busy on another.."
On Bachelor door name plate - Home Sweet Home
And Married person door nameplate - Oh God - I Pray for Silence.
Girl: It is very tough to have love affair with a person who works in bank.
Man: Why?
Girl: I sent him love letter, he send me back remarks -- "signature different"
-----
Once a sad lady was walking along the beach thinking of the worst state of her life cycle. Her husband asked her for divorce. As she was walking, she tripped over something in the sand. The woman picked the object up revealing a lamp.
The woman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared before her. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said "but whatever you wish for your husband will get double."
The woman thought and thought, then made her first wish "I wish for 10 million dollars." POOF! The wished for ten million appears at the woman feet, some distance away 20 million dollars appears at her husbands feet.
The woman thinks again and makes her second wish, "I wish for a pile of diamonds three feet high!" POOF! A pile of diamonds appears at the woman feet, a pile of diamonds six feet high appears at her husband’s feet.
The woman thinks and thinks, ponders and ponders; finally she says to the genie "Now, whatever I wish for my husband gets double?" The genie replies, "That is correct."
She makes her third wish, "I wish for you to scare me half to death!"
----
Wife after drinking Beer asked: Who are you?
Husband: "Are you mad! You don't recognize your husband?
Wife: Addiction makes you forget every sorrow - My dear brother!!
-----
Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Interpretation: How situations or attitudes change after just marriage. Love converts into revenge, closeness converts into ignorance and so on. It is human mentality and we have to accept it while readers enjoy it.
Whenever they ask me why females don't gamble as much as males do?
I just give them a uncommon smart reply: Their total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
Doctor: Please lie down, I need to check you.
Female: Okay but call the nurse too.
Doctor: Why, you don't have trust in me?
Female: I do, but my husband, who is outside, doesn't have trust in me...
Thing to laugh on: How century changes! Gone those day when husbands used to have blind faith their wives. Now they don't even trust them for a single second and all credit goes to those cheaters females who have made all wives the victim of doubt.
Husband: I am feeling so happy while seeing your friend.
Wife: Yeah, I can see your happiness through your jeans.
Interpretation: Yeah, you must be feeling so funny! But it is true that men are like dogs. Girls always know their weak point and males get excited when they notice beautiful girls. Although your wife can see your intentions through your changed behavior, so be cautious!
---
Once a man questioned his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me any fortune?"
"Dear hubby, I'd have married you... NO Matter who left you a fortune!" She replied softly.
---
Every girl need 4 pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all!
---
One day, little Sam was at the park playing when he saw his dad and aunt walk behind the bushes.
He followed them quietly.
What he saw surprised him a lot. Sam ran home and told his Mother... Guess what I saw today!
"How should I know" Mom replied.
"You know, dad at aunty went into the bushes and aunty took off dad's jacket and then..."
"Stop, it is better you to wait until you daddy gets back to home and we have dinner to finish your story?" mom said.
"Fine" said Sam.
And when they were all having dinner, Sam started..
"and then Dad did to Aunt what Uncle did to Mom while Dad was out...."
---
Husband comes home from a tough time of work and finds his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.
He asked, "Dear, what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."
---
"What a pleasant surprise.. You came home early" Wife speaks so gladly.
I was forced to do it. I have to obey what my boss told me to do. He ordered: "GO TO HELL"
---
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.
---
A girl worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A boy never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Waiter:
 | Interpretation: Some people are really too humorous that they can not stop themselves from making fun without the fear of losing their jobs. That what waiter is doing in above situation. After getting that reply that customer may laugh but chances of getting anger are high. Haha |
Customer: Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
 | Interpretation: How playful! That man must be drunk! What a suspense! Yeah, no wife loves that hubby in that way especially you reach home Late! So better to wash your face and see her face carefully. |
It's funny when a girl has the nerve to complain that there are no more good men left.
We are all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
I am really crazy for good figure but my heart is in love with food.
How do you know if you are mentally ill?
One in 4 people are. Check 3 friends; if they are OK, you're it!
Jacky: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Selina: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Explanation: Above joke's storyline is misunderstanding. You never know the interest of a girl. Like you, she may also be seeking for some cute girls. That is happens with Jacky when he tries to impress Selina in bar! So next time, take care of this thing before you go ahead.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Interpretation: You must be lucky if you're out for business trips. Real fun is always outside with some crazy ways which, of-course, are hated by your family specially wife. Got it! So send lots of love to your family from out of the town and spend great time with their love and without their interference.
No one cares unless you're pretty or dying.
Interpretation: So hilarious! When a girl is so beautiful and you find her in trouble, how bad you feel and do all the effort to help her. What if an ugly man is in trouble? You ignore. So being pretty is really a good feature and God gift!
It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes.
Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here.
Me: But I bought the it from your shop.
Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
Interpretation: What a witty reply when a customer buys something from their shop and insists of using it on his place. I am sure the user has nothing to say after listening that. But we readers can laugh on this joke and gonna share it with friends. Lol!
Marriage:
 | Interpretation: Marriage is a mandatory thing but it's a big big trap. After this, You can not go anywhere, you can enjoy with your friends, you cannot do anything alone. You have to take trouble with you everywhere. So what if it is a good institution, I am too young to join it. Run.... Haha |
Global warming was the reason the name Ivy Blue came into being...just think about it!
Saying you have a headache to get out of things because your to lazy to go.
Please understand that I didn’t do it! Unless I was supposed to do it. Then of course I did it.
Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit for a very long time!
Q: What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew the light bulb.
When butterflies fall in love do they feel humans in their stomach?
Lady to Radio Jockey: It would be a great help if you call to my husband who left me and took all our three kids with him.
Radio Jockey: Yes, for sure... Its on. You please speak your message.
Lady: Honey, kindly return back two kids because only one of them is yours!!!
The old people used to tell me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, 'Ha ha, You’re next!' So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
After long argument I say 'It's ok' to shut your ugly mouth.
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
Friend: You go to concerts on school nights? Me: No, it's more like I go to school on concert nights.
Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.
Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to them.
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
Basic research is what I'm doing, when I don't know what I'm doing.
If my jokes offend you: 1) I'm sorry. 2) It won't happen again. 3) 1 & 2 are lies. 4) You're a Bit.
Alcoholic? No, I prefer the term Drinking Enthusiast.
What’s so real about reality TV shows?
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don't trust women!
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
I like sleeping. It’s like death without the commitment.
Kids and Teenagers
Those 3 magical words which makes every girl happy - I am Sorry!!
Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?
Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes!
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Kid: No, he did it all by himself.
Lecturer: Why are you looking at those monkeys outside when I am in the class?
Dear future kids of mine , If I find weed in your room , I will take that shit , and I will smoke it.
I hate it when they’re talking and gum falls out of their mouth.
Once, a father of a teenage daughter was concerned because his daughter spend too much time on phone; and nobody else in house could use the that line. So, he got a solution, he had a new telephone line installed for her.Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
Funniest:
PATIENT:Doctor I Keep thinking i am the moon!
DOCTOR:I cant see you now, come tonight..
submitted by jeffrey
Some years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die!
I’m in a love triangle with me, myself and I.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?
A: Because his wife died.
That awkward moment when someone knows you, but you don’t know them.
Once a woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".
Satire
You buy a wonderful costly phone and imagine.. girls will be impressed and you what you get is get lost!
You study hard whole young life and uneducated ministers earn millions..Who is more smart?
Spending whole life loving a single girl.. Day night think of her and she marries a engineer who looks like a black dog.. You get LOL!
One Liners:
Evening news is when they start off with Good Evening and then proceed to telling you why it isn't.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!
How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
Turn off the carousel.
Energizer bunny arrested-charged with battery.
What did 0 say to number 8?
Nice belt.
Waiter, waiter! There's a slug in my salad.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were a vegetarian.
Take the mast off when you speak to me.
Whats a snail?
A slug with a crash helmet.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
What would the lamp say to the man?
Nothing. A lamp is an inanimate object.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Overweight:
A lady woman was surprisingly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
Doctor: I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip one day, and repeat this instruction for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.
After 2 weeks, when lady returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 15 pounds.
Doctor: Wow, that’s brilliant! Did you follow my plan?
Lady nodded. I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
Doctor: From hunger, you mean?
Lady: Nope... from skipping!
Ghost:
Blonde:
Why did the blonde visit the post office 50 times in one day?
Her computer kept saying she has mail.
Save a horse... Ride a cowboy!
- Jay Leno
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champion.
A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to Disney World?
She saw a sign saying: "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
Because they can't remember the recipe.
Animals:
What to give a sick pig?
Oinkment
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C".
On which day do lions eat people?
Chewsday!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Once a turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
2 tigers went into a pub and after ordering two beers, took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub owner. So the 2 tigers swapped their sandwiches.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
What do you call a camel without any humps?
Humphrey!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
A pig's favorite ballet?
Swine Lake
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Thief
Once a thief enter in a home and finds a note on locker - "Please don't break the lock, Just push the button and it will open easily.
So he does the same But after doing that - Police arrives!
Thief Shouts: There is no value of Honesty!
Once a husband said his credit card was stolen but he made his mind to not to go for F.I.R. because that thief was spending less than his spouse used to!
How do you keep people from stealing your bagels?
Put lox on them.
Ladies
2 ladies were fighting for a seat in metro on man suggested: Whoever is older should take the seat.
than..... both seat remained free. :)
The average fight between men lasts 5 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 11 years.
I am looking for a woman who has a great sense of humor about being a supermodel.
Crazy:
Height of positiveness: As a buy comes out from his home, a bird flies by and shits on his head. Guess how this guy reacts? "Oh, my goodness, Thanks God! ELEPHANTS DON'T FLY!"
Den: My souse went for horse-riding to lose weight. Lost 6kg!!
Jay: Hard work pays!
Den: No! She didn't but that horse lost the weight!
Man: Hey little kid! Why are you running? Do you know who am I?
Crazy Kid: Lol, When you even don't know who you are, how can I?
On Wives:
Husband buys a mouth fresher for wife.
Wife: Why you don't buy for you.
Husband: I remain silent anyways.
Wife is like a god's prasad (fruit), you have to eat it without making any complaint.
Wife: I heard that men get angels in heave and what women get?
Man: God only listens to those who are needy!
Lady: People say that in heaven Man and woman can not live together!
Male: Yes, that is why it is known as heave!
why does traffic stop when old people smile,
because their teeth are so yellow.
For voting you age should be 18 but for marriage you must be 21, why?
Wise man replies: Because government knows that taking care of the wife is bigger task than taking care of nation.
You can read top 100 short jokes written in this humorous blog to have more and more laughter.
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