Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date

1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?
― Gena Showalter

Golfer's advantage

What advantage does a golfer have over a fisherman?
He doesn't have to produce anything to prove his story.

Dad's Age

Them: How old is your dad?
Me: As old as me.
Them : How can that be?
Me: He became a father only when I was born.

Getting on my nerves

Sheila: That boy is getting on my nerves.
Rosie: What nonsense -- he is not even looking at you!
Sheila: That is what is getting on my nerves.

Question

Larry: Can I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

A tick and a lawyer

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

Finest Lie

Two kids were arguing when the teacher entered.
Teacher: Why are you arguing?
Kid: We found a 20 dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the finest lie.
Teacher: Sham on you. When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.
The kid gave bill to the teacher.